How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
In my current state, I’d guess I was in my 30s. Time drags on too slowly, yet the days pass by without me noticing. At birth, we should essentially be 9 months old, but time is an illusion anyway, so who cares for particularities? If I had a choice of how old I could be, I’m not sure. Whatever age I die at.
Which is worse, failing or never trying?
Never trying, by a long shot. Of course, failure brings a lot of negative outside stigma from your family and peers, but emotional abuse is more easily changed and managed than living in a film state. Just go idly by, not even wanting to try. Apathy. Anhedonia. That’s the worst because then you’re not living, just surviving; and what’s the point of just surviving?
If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
Society has set certain limitations to control us and make us slaves for corporate profit; that would be my logical and realistic answer. Individually because of society’s constructs we feel trapped like there’s no other way to do things. Of course, some things just can’t be changed, but taking smaller steps and enjoying your day-to-day is a start. Break free from the neo-feudalism state of our democracy and watch it crash and burn from the sidelines.
When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
Definitely. I was a gifted kid apparently and I was supposed to achieve more, but I haven’t done much. The most important part, however, is that I don’t care too much. I just want to coast and feel content. I don’t care about saying or doing anymore. Just waiting for my existence to end.
What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
I could write pages and pages. Maybe share the billionaire’s wealth? End worldwide problems like human trafficking and starvation? I think maybe I would go for making everyone give up religion. It’s caused more problems than solutions, and if more people put effort into current life instead of hoping for something better after death, then maybe the world would be able to change much faster. There would be a reason to care about this life. What is this life to the religious, if there is an eternal afterlife?
If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
Making art that I like. Stress-free art making. People like my work and I make passive sales after lots of hard work marketing print-on-demand products. Mailing art and packages out manually would be cool too. Just being able to be content. And a consistent flow of antidepressants that don’t make me fat as fuck.
Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
I can’t quite tell. I don’t know what’s the real me yet. I guess I’m settling quite a lot; I could always do more and I always dream of more but at the end of the day I’ve done nothing. I’m not doing anything I wanted most days. I feel panic and fear all the time again. Though I really need to find a way to step it up, despite my depression.
If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
I wouldn’t. Growing up chronically suicidal means I always thought I’d off myself far before I would naturally die. If the average life span was 26 and I’m 25 now, I would feel free and calm. A little scared of the unknown, but I wouldn’t do anything different. I know this isn’t the kind of answer I’m supposed to give, but this is just the way it is.
To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
About half. Maybe only ¼. Most of my childhood years were taken away from me because of my parent’s control, and then I broke off briefly, only to be following my partner in all of his endeavors instead of making my own decisions. But in the end, I've made these decisions post-childhood, so I can’t blame him for that. Most of the time I just sit idly by and watch the world turn.
Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
Internally I worry about doing the right things, but my actions say otherwise. I’m too afraid to get in trouble, so in the end, I’m more worried about whichever one is safest. I would like to be someone who worries about doing the right things, however.
You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
I would start by just simply saying I don’t agree. If there’s a reason to explain any actions for the friend then I would, so people understand. However, if they’re just being jackasses I would calmly tell them that person is my friend and I’m not going to take part in that sort of conversation. I would try my best to stand up for my friend without having to go down the hate hole against the people I respect, but regardless I certainly would not respect or admire them anymore. If I’m feeling brave I may even say that.
If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
Hold on to the truth that nothing is wrong with you and that you are capable of deserving love. No matter what anyone does or says. Do the right thing and you will be fine.
Would you break the law to save a loved one?
Of course. Laws are arbitrary and only to keep the poor controlled. Anyone can buy their freedom if they can afford it, so essentially you can do anything if you have money. I would break the law just for the fun of it, no need for a loved one in this situation. Maybe this isn’t how I’m supposed to answer this question…
Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
Yes. The works of Picasso. For a long time, I felt that his work was awful and I didn’t understand why he was revered as a great artist, but now that I’ve gotten older, I understand. It’s not about (at this in my opinion) the style of cubism, you have to look at his body of work as a whole. He was an amazing artist that fell into the depths of mental illness, and you can see the mental decline expressed in his art as he fell deeper and deeper into schizophrenia. It’s basically a story. Of course, that’s still essentially insanity, but the point is that it shows how his mind is changing and how he starts to perceive the world differently.
What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
I could list so many things. It’s not because I’m a “pick me” girl (though I probably was at some point at least, cringe), but it’s mainly due to my own illnesses. Autism in particular. I can’t understand social norms and innuendos. I need to be talked to without riddles or just guessing that I know some common knowledge because I can’t actually infer it. I can’t see normal things as normal. I’m convinced that autism is the real normal, and normal is actually autistic. I can’t wrap my head around so many social constructs no matter how hard I try. I can’t just talk to people. I can’t just do things. My entire life is lived differently than most people's. And autism is only one illness of mine.
How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
We are all victims of our nature and nurture which alters our perception of the world. I found solace from trauma in the drawing. Others may find it in familial or friend love, which does not necessarily make me happy. We are all different, even if basic things seem obvious, they’re usually not. Hence the autism argument above.
What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
I want to actually be serious about my art business. I keep ‘trying’ but I’m not really trying. I’m just doing things passively. I want to actually learn proper marketing and SEO techniques so I can live off of my art income alone. I’m held back mainly by depression. Most of the time I can’t be bothered to do anything. Sometimes I can’t brush my teeth, let alone spend hours learning how to market my products and put them into action.
Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
I always am, and maybe I’ll never fully let go. Something I really hate is that I keep holding onto my mental illnesses and I feel it’s preventing me from actually healing. Of course, I’m doing a lot better than ever to the most extent anyway, but at the end of the day, I still dub my illnesses as personality traits. I’m holding onto them because it’s what I know; it’s familiar and safe. If I let go, who will I be? Who am I without the illnesses? Do I really exist without them? It’s scary. And I don’t know what to do about it.
If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
I have 2 choices that I can't decide between. Lately, I’ve felt exhausted and drained from city life so I don’t really want to stay here anymore anyways. My first option of course would be Japan, even if it’s only temporary. No matter how bad it may actually be to live there as someone in my demographic in particular, I still hold onto my childhood dream. I still want to have the full experience and it’s a passion that’s burning inside me; it’s almost strong enough to push through the anhedonia from my depression. My second option would be back home to West Virginia, which I never in a million years thought I would say. My Meme recently passed and left the house to me, which provides a great opportunity to actually get by and save money in this awful economy since I would only have to pay utilities. I would really like to return to my dream school, and my family, for some reason, has finally started to love me and I want to catch up on all the lost love I didn’t get as a child. It’s what I always wanted and never received; now that they’re willing to give it, I’m too far away.
Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
I do push the elevator button more than once. I feel like it will go faster, but I know that’s not how it works. It just makes me feel better.
Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
Joyful simpleton. Once I learned of the tragedies of the world, I started to close up into my depression easier. Also, I didn’t know I was being abused until someone told me, so my depression is worse off now than during the abuse. Being aware isn’t the best thing. Most of the time blissful ignorance is a better way to live. If I was a genius, people would expect more out of me, therefore I’d have to work even harder despite still never living up to any expectations. I’m so jealous of the people who are not self-aware; I’m constantly worried about everything, but certain others can just comfortably coast through life without anything eating them up inside all throughout the day. I don’t think I’m a genius, but unfortunately, I’m not stupid enough to be happy. I wish I was.
Why are you, you?
This is probably the hardest question to answer right now. I don’t even know who I am; is this the real me, or just a character? Is my brain just making a carbon copy of what it thinks is me? That sounds the most correct since I’ve been suffering from severe dissociation for the past 3 years. How do I figure out who I am, let alone why I am that way? Well, I’ve gotten this carbon copy of myself because of trauma and disconnecting from reality to be safe, though not of my own volition.
Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
Somewhat. I always try my best, but usually fall short. I try my best to be supportive, tolerant, and social. I try to be kind, forgiving, and always there. But I can’t always. Most of the time I hide away in the house and never leave. I rarely have the energy to message others or reply to anyone anymore. I have so little energy to put into friendship, but I’ve had so many failed friendships that maybe I just don’t care anymore. Though I wish I could do better.
Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
Losing touch with a nearby friend. Even if someone moves away, if you keep in touch, you can still message each other or catch up and hang out if one is in the other’s area. Although it may get lonely, they’re still there for you. Also, the friend that moves away won’t have any high maintenance needs since they’ll be too far to require much of you, and vice-versa. Then, you both have the opportunity to work on yourselves and meet up and catch up over the lost time, which feels really sweet and I look forward to it when I’ve had the chance.
What are you most grateful for?
I am grateful for so many things. For my love sticking by me for so long, my parents finally loving me, my ability to draw and make art, my cats and all cats that I’ve met, and so many little things.
Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
Lose all my old memories. I’m already experiencing it. I used to recall my trauma in vivid detail, and now I can’t remember a thing. It’s freeing, just strange. I want to make new, happy memories since most of my old ones have been things I don’t wish to remember anyway.
Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
Theoretically yes, but opinion-wise no. We find the truth by challenging all of our constants and seeing what’s right based on evidence. Everything can and should be challenged. However, there is a right and wrong way to do so, which can be a slippery slope.
Has your greatest fear ever come true?
Yes, I suppose so. I fear the unknown more than anything; it envelops me in panic and dysphoria. We are faced with the unknown almost daily with differing levels of severity. I fear not knowing about large-scale topics like the universe, black holes and the multi-verse, the truth of human souls and religion, and also smaller personal issues such as how id Meme actually died.
Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
5 years ago would be 2017. What happened that year? I left for South Carolina, I started playing Undertale, I first got into a relationship with Alec and then with Hadyn… I can’t remember anything, in particular, I was upset about, just my usual depression bullshit. So I suppose it doesn’t matter if I can’t even remember it.
What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
Christ, don’t ask me this question… These questions really aren’t made for people with severe mental illnesses and trauma, are they? I guess that really shows how different I am from others. How alienated I really am from normalcy. I can’t think of any specific memories, so I suppose my happiest overall would be when I stayed the night at Meme’s every weekend.
At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
When I was making progress in my game development. Passing Through Eden makes me feel so good when working on it, especially when I can solve a difficult problem on my own or something works. Alas, I feel so disconnected from it now. I’d still like to finish it someday, though. I need to finish it. Maybe if I can get a decent art income stream going that’s sorta passive I’ll have the time and fewer worries to be able to work quietly and passionately.
If not now, then when?
Never, I suppose. Or eventually. I know that if I started things way earlier when I had the ideas then my life would be so different by now. Maybe I could have done a lot. Alas, I make too many excuses, and depression is half of it.
If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
I don’t have the same amount of energy as a normal person. I’m severely depressed and burnt out. It’s hard to look toward the future, especially being chronically suicidal as a child. It’s so hard to think of what’s to come, good or bad, and so instead I do nothing. I have no energy to do anything, nor any reason to. I don’t have much to lose, true, but I haven’t found that as a strong enough reason to start.
Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
No…? Is this a normal thing people experience? Half the time I don’t even like having a real conversation.
Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
Because love isn’t at the root of religion, money is. That’s why the catholic church banned parts of the bible because you can’t sell a religion with ogres and unicorns. Art became a socially normal thing because the church wanted to bring more people in by showing them amazing images. That’s why Jesus is always visually portrayed as a white man despite very obviously being a Palestinian jew because white people generally have more money so you have to target them. That’s all it is. Money.
Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
No, it’s not possible at all. Almost nothing is always black and white if anything at all. Most things are morally gray, despite common belief. There is always another perception that makes sense for either side. There is no true good or evil.
If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
I don’t even have a job right now. But if I did, then yes. It would solve so many problems… But then at least I’d try to use that money thoughtfully like getting a home to be safe in and putting some into advertising to make passive art sales.
Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
More work that I like doing. I don’t mind working at all, it’s just that I usually don’t see the point of just working to make money to live when half the time I don’t even want to live. But doing work I love would give me a reason to live.
Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
Yep. That’s dissociation for you. Every day drags on by. Every day is the same. I do nothing and the day is wasted. Most of the time I find no point in any of it.
When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
I don’t know if I ever truly have. Besides choosing art as a career, I’ve played most of my life safely.
If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
I would just fly back home to see my parents. Since we finally have a healthy relationship, I’d want our final days together to be memorable ad happy to conclude the trauma and move on easier. The only other people I have in my life are Alec who I see every day and Meme who just died. I don’t have much left in terms of living people that I care about.
Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
Well, I was willing to kill myself at a young age so this question is a no-brainer. Christ, what is wrong with me? These questions are supposed to free your mind but they really just make me want to cry. I haven’t felt emotional at all for a long time. I’ve been numb. I cried when Meme died and then when I came back home to Vegas, but since then I’ve been completely numb. So these questions are making me so emotional. It’s really showing me how alienated from the average person and it makes me want to puke.
What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
Being alive is just surviving. Meeting your basic needs. Truly living is only brought about by living for a purpose, even if your purpose is just to live, as long as you are mindful of it you are living and not surviving.
When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
Well, after spending lots of time calculating risks and rewards, I’ve probably done enough of it and should just start things. But unfortunately, that's only in theory; it’s much harder to find a reason to start.
If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
The shame, humiliation, and moral perfectionism still linger despite what the outcome of a previous mistake was. Our bodies, particularly our brain and nervous system, morph to adapt, and things like this (if they happen consistently enough in the right circumstances) can be perceived by our bodies as normal.
What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
In a way, I already kind of act as if nobody would judge me. I have fallen apart and just coasted while bullying myself in 3rd person, yet not changing my self-sabotaging behavior. I guess if things were better I’d be able to have the space to heal, continue art in solitude, and get better at my own pace without worry.
When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
I hear it all the time. I try so hard to ground myself but I can only half hear my breathing like it’s something else living inside me wearing my personality as its skin.
What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
I love my cats, art, games, learning, improving, reading, creating, music… I guess those are the main things I love. Usually, my partner would be on the list, but my depression has been blocking it lately. Since the other things on my list are activities, I guess partially love has been expressed through art but nothing else. My cats, I feel I could do better for my cats. I take care of all their needs and get them presents and cuddle them and what have you. But I feel they still deserve better. I could always dedicate more time to playing with them, for example.
In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
No. No to all of those questions. Dissociation has got me by the balls and it’s so hard to escape. I don’t remember much of anything. Damn. Dissociative amnesia isn’t really a normal thing, is it? Again, I want to cry. I hate living.
Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
I’m letting others make decisions for me. I don’t know how I truly feel, but I have ideas, and they’re not the way I’m living. I can’t voice my feelings to my partner because I’m scared. I want to live in Meme’s house with the cats, make it all nice, open the windows and let some light in, plant in the garden, make a really cozy home, and be able to invite people over and share the coziness with them as I spend my days making art and creating. But I can’t tell my partner that because it conflicts with his life plans. He keeps asking me for my input but I can’t. I can’t bring myself to.
In my current state, I’d guess I was in my 30s. Time drags on too slowly, yet the days pass by without me noticing. At birth, we should essentially be 9 months old, but time is an illusion anyway, so who cares for particularities? If I had a choice of how old I could be, I’m not sure. Whatever age I die at.
Which is worse, failing or never trying?
Never trying, by a long shot. Of course, failure brings a lot of negative outside stigma from your family and peers, but emotional abuse is more easily changed and managed than living in a film state. Just go idly by, not even wanting to try. Apathy. Anhedonia. That’s the worst because then you’re not living, just surviving; and what’s the point of just surviving?
If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
Society has set certain limitations to control us and make us slaves for corporate profit; that would be my logical and realistic answer. Individually because of society’s constructs we feel trapped like there’s no other way to do things. Of course, some things just can’t be changed, but taking smaller steps and enjoying your day-to-day is a start. Break free from the neo-feudalism state of our democracy and watch it crash and burn from the sidelines.
When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
Definitely. I was a gifted kid apparently and I was supposed to achieve more, but I haven’t done much. The most important part, however, is that I don’t care too much. I just want to coast and feel content. I don’t care about saying or doing anymore. Just waiting for my existence to end.
What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
I could write pages and pages. Maybe share the billionaire’s wealth? End worldwide problems like human trafficking and starvation? I think maybe I would go for making everyone give up religion. It’s caused more problems than solutions, and if more people put effort into current life instead of hoping for something better after death, then maybe the world would be able to change much faster. There would be a reason to care about this life. What is this life to the religious, if there is an eternal afterlife?
If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
Making art that I like. Stress-free art making. People like my work and I make passive sales after lots of hard work marketing print-on-demand products. Mailing art and packages out manually would be cool too. Just being able to be content. And a consistent flow of antidepressants that don’t make me fat as fuck.
Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
I can’t quite tell. I don’t know what’s the real me yet. I guess I’m settling quite a lot; I could always do more and I always dream of more but at the end of the day I’ve done nothing. I’m not doing anything I wanted most days. I feel panic and fear all the time again. Though I really need to find a way to step it up, despite my depression.
If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
I wouldn’t. Growing up chronically suicidal means I always thought I’d off myself far before I would naturally die. If the average life span was 26 and I’m 25 now, I would feel free and calm. A little scared of the unknown, but I wouldn’t do anything different. I know this isn’t the kind of answer I’m supposed to give, but this is just the way it is.
To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
About half. Maybe only ¼. Most of my childhood years were taken away from me because of my parent’s control, and then I broke off briefly, only to be following my partner in all of his endeavors instead of making my own decisions. But in the end, I've made these decisions post-childhood, so I can’t blame him for that. Most of the time I just sit idly by and watch the world turn.
Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
Internally I worry about doing the right things, but my actions say otherwise. I’m too afraid to get in trouble, so in the end, I’m more worried about whichever one is safest. I would like to be someone who worries about doing the right things, however.
You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
I would start by just simply saying I don’t agree. If there’s a reason to explain any actions for the friend then I would, so people understand. However, if they’re just being jackasses I would calmly tell them that person is my friend and I’m not going to take part in that sort of conversation. I would try my best to stand up for my friend without having to go down the hate hole against the people I respect, but regardless I certainly would not respect or admire them anymore. If I’m feeling brave I may even say that.
If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
Hold on to the truth that nothing is wrong with you and that you are capable of deserving love. No matter what anyone does or says. Do the right thing and you will be fine.
Would you break the law to save a loved one?
Of course. Laws are arbitrary and only to keep the poor controlled. Anyone can buy their freedom if they can afford it, so essentially you can do anything if you have money. I would break the law just for the fun of it, no need for a loved one in this situation. Maybe this isn’t how I’m supposed to answer this question…
Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
Yes. The works of Picasso. For a long time, I felt that his work was awful and I didn’t understand why he was revered as a great artist, but now that I’ve gotten older, I understand. It’s not about (at this in my opinion) the style of cubism, you have to look at his body of work as a whole. He was an amazing artist that fell into the depths of mental illness, and you can see the mental decline expressed in his art as he fell deeper and deeper into schizophrenia. It’s basically a story. Of course, that’s still essentially insanity, but the point is that it shows how his mind is changing and how he starts to perceive the world differently.
What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
I could list so many things. It’s not because I’m a “pick me” girl (though I probably was at some point at least, cringe), but it’s mainly due to my own illnesses. Autism in particular. I can’t understand social norms and innuendos. I need to be talked to without riddles or just guessing that I know some common knowledge because I can’t actually infer it. I can’t see normal things as normal. I’m convinced that autism is the real normal, and normal is actually autistic. I can’t wrap my head around so many social constructs no matter how hard I try. I can’t just talk to people. I can’t just do things. My entire life is lived differently than most people's. And autism is only one illness of mine.
How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
We are all victims of our nature and nurture which alters our perception of the world. I found solace from trauma in the drawing. Others may find it in familial or friend love, which does not necessarily make me happy. We are all different, even if basic things seem obvious, they’re usually not. Hence the autism argument above.
What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
I want to actually be serious about my art business. I keep ‘trying’ but I’m not really trying. I’m just doing things passively. I want to actually learn proper marketing and SEO techniques so I can live off of my art income alone. I’m held back mainly by depression. Most of the time I can’t be bothered to do anything. Sometimes I can’t brush my teeth, let alone spend hours learning how to market my products and put them into action.
Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
I always am, and maybe I’ll never fully let go. Something I really hate is that I keep holding onto my mental illnesses and I feel it’s preventing me from actually healing. Of course, I’m doing a lot better than ever to the most extent anyway, but at the end of the day, I still dub my illnesses as personality traits. I’m holding onto them because it’s what I know; it’s familiar and safe. If I let go, who will I be? Who am I without the illnesses? Do I really exist without them? It’s scary. And I don’t know what to do about it.
If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
I have 2 choices that I can't decide between. Lately, I’ve felt exhausted and drained from city life so I don’t really want to stay here anymore anyways. My first option of course would be Japan, even if it’s only temporary. No matter how bad it may actually be to live there as someone in my demographic in particular, I still hold onto my childhood dream. I still want to have the full experience and it’s a passion that’s burning inside me; it’s almost strong enough to push through the anhedonia from my depression. My second option would be back home to West Virginia, which I never in a million years thought I would say. My Meme recently passed and left the house to me, which provides a great opportunity to actually get by and save money in this awful economy since I would only have to pay utilities. I would really like to return to my dream school, and my family, for some reason, has finally started to love me and I want to catch up on all the lost love I didn’t get as a child. It’s what I always wanted and never received; now that they’re willing to give it, I’m too far away.
Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
I do push the elevator button more than once. I feel like it will go faster, but I know that’s not how it works. It just makes me feel better.
Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
Joyful simpleton. Once I learned of the tragedies of the world, I started to close up into my depression easier. Also, I didn’t know I was being abused until someone told me, so my depression is worse off now than during the abuse. Being aware isn’t the best thing. Most of the time blissful ignorance is a better way to live. If I was a genius, people would expect more out of me, therefore I’d have to work even harder despite still never living up to any expectations. I’m so jealous of the people who are not self-aware; I’m constantly worried about everything, but certain others can just comfortably coast through life without anything eating them up inside all throughout the day. I don’t think I’m a genius, but unfortunately, I’m not stupid enough to be happy. I wish I was.
Why are you, you?
This is probably the hardest question to answer right now. I don’t even know who I am; is this the real me, or just a character? Is my brain just making a carbon copy of what it thinks is me? That sounds the most correct since I’ve been suffering from severe dissociation for the past 3 years. How do I figure out who I am, let alone why I am that way? Well, I’ve gotten this carbon copy of myself because of trauma and disconnecting from reality to be safe, though not of my own volition.
Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
Somewhat. I always try my best, but usually fall short. I try my best to be supportive, tolerant, and social. I try to be kind, forgiving, and always there. But I can’t always. Most of the time I hide away in the house and never leave. I rarely have the energy to message others or reply to anyone anymore. I have so little energy to put into friendship, but I’ve had so many failed friendships that maybe I just don’t care anymore. Though I wish I could do better.
Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
Losing touch with a nearby friend. Even if someone moves away, if you keep in touch, you can still message each other or catch up and hang out if one is in the other’s area. Although it may get lonely, they’re still there for you. Also, the friend that moves away won’t have any high maintenance needs since they’ll be too far to require much of you, and vice-versa. Then, you both have the opportunity to work on yourselves and meet up and catch up over the lost time, which feels really sweet and I look forward to it when I’ve had the chance.
What are you most grateful for?
I am grateful for so many things. For my love sticking by me for so long, my parents finally loving me, my ability to draw and make art, my cats and all cats that I’ve met, and so many little things.
Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
Lose all my old memories. I’m already experiencing it. I used to recall my trauma in vivid detail, and now I can’t remember a thing. It’s freeing, just strange. I want to make new, happy memories since most of my old ones have been things I don’t wish to remember anyway.
Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
Theoretically yes, but opinion-wise no. We find the truth by challenging all of our constants and seeing what’s right based on evidence. Everything can and should be challenged. However, there is a right and wrong way to do so, which can be a slippery slope.
Has your greatest fear ever come true?
Yes, I suppose so. I fear the unknown more than anything; it envelops me in panic and dysphoria. We are faced with the unknown almost daily with differing levels of severity. I fear not knowing about large-scale topics like the universe, black holes and the multi-verse, the truth of human souls and religion, and also smaller personal issues such as how id Meme actually died.
Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
5 years ago would be 2017. What happened that year? I left for South Carolina, I started playing Undertale, I first got into a relationship with Alec and then with Hadyn… I can’t remember anything, in particular, I was upset about, just my usual depression bullshit. So I suppose it doesn’t matter if I can’t even remember it.
What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
Christ, don’t ask me this question… These questions really aren’t made for people with severe mental illnesses and trauma, are they? I guess that really shows how different I am from others. How alienated I really am from normalcy. I can’t think of any specific memories, so I suppose my happiest overall would be when I stayed the night at Meme’s every weekend.
At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
When I was making progress in my game development. Passing Through Eden makes me feel so good when working on it, especially when I can solve a difficult problem on my own or something works. Alas, I feel so disconnected from it now. I’d still like to finish it someday, though. I need to finish it. Maybe if I can get a decent art income stream going that’s sorta passive I’ll have the time and fewer worries to be able to work quietly and passionately.
If not now, then when?
Never, I suppose. Or eventually. I know that if I started things way earlier when I had the ideas then my life would be so different by now. Maybe I could have done a lot. Alas, I make too many excuses, and depression is half of it.
If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
I don’t have the same amount of energy as a normal person. I’m severely depressed and burnt out. It’s hard to look toward the future, especially being chronically suicidal as a child. It’s so hard to think of what’s to come, good or bad, and so instead I do nothing. I have no energy to do anything, nor any reason to. I don’t have much to lose, true, but I haven’t found that as a strong enough reason to start.
Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
No…? Is this a normal thing people experience? Half the time I don’t even like having a real conversation.
Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
Because love isn’t at the root of religion, money is. That’s why the catholic church banned parts of the bible because you can’t sell a religion with ogres and unicorns. Art became a socially normal thing because the church wanted to bring more people in by showing them amazing images. That’s why Jesus is always visually portrayed as a white man despite very obviously being a Palestinian jew because white people generally have more money so you have to target them. That’s all it is. Money.
Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
No, it’s not possible at all. Almost nothing is always black and white if anything at all. Most things are morally gray, despite common belief. There is always another perception that makes sense for either side. There is no true good or evil.
If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
I don’t even have a job right now. But if I did, then yes. It would solve so many problems… But then at least I’d try to use that money thoughtfully like getting a home to be safe in and putting some into advertising to make passive art sales.
Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
More work that I like doing. I don’t mind working at all, it’s just that I usually don’t see the point of just working to make money to live when half the time I don’t even want to live. But doing work I love would give me a reason to live.
Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
Yep. That’s dissociation for you. Every day drags on by. Every day is the same. I do nothing and the day is wasted. Most of the time I find no point in any of it.
When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
I don’t know if I ever truly have. Besides choosing art as a career, I’ve played most of my life safely.
If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
I would just fly back home to see my parents. Since we finally have a healthy relationship, I’d want our final days together to be memorable ad happy to conclude the trauma and move on easier. The only other people I have in my life are Alec who I see every day and Meme who just died. I don’t have much left in terms of living people that I care about.
Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
Well, I was willing to kill myself at a young age so this question is a no-brainer. Christ, what is wrong with me? These questions are supposed to free your mind but they really just make me want to cry. I haven’t felt emotional at all for a long time. I’ve been numb. I cried when Meme died and then when I came back home to Vegas, but since then I’ve been completely numb. So these questions are making me so emotional. It’s really showing me how alienated from the average person and it makes me want to puke.
What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
Being alive is just surviving. Meeting your basic needs. Truly living is only brought about by living for a purpose, even if your purpose is just to live, as long as you are mindful of it you are living and not surviving.
When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
Well, after spending lots of time calculating risks and rewards, I’ve probably done enough of it and should just start things. But unfortunately, that's only in theory; it’s much harder to find a reason to start.
If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
The shame, humiliation, and moral perfectionism still linger despite what the outcome of a previous mistake was. Our bodies, particularly our brain and nervous system, morph to adapt, and things like this (if they happen consistently enough in the right circumstances) can be perceived by our bodies as normal.
What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
In a way, I already kind of act as if nobody would judge me. I have fallen apart and just coasted while bullying myself in 3rd person, yet not changing my self-sabotaging behavior. I guess if things were better I’d be able to have the space to heal, continue art in solitude, and get better at my own pace without worry.
When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
I hear it all the time. I try so hard to ground myself but I can only half hear my breathing like it’s something else living inside me wearing my personality as its skin.
What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
I love my cats, art, games, learning, improving, reading, creating, music… I guess those are the main things I love. Usually, my partner would be on the list, but my depression has been blocking it lately. Since the other things on my list are activities, I guess partially love has been expressed through art but nothing else. My cats, I feel I could do better for my cats. I take care of all their needs and get them presents and cuddle them and what have you. But I feel they still deserve better. I could always dedicate more time to playing with them, for example.
In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
No. No to all of those questions. Dissociation has got me by the balls and it’s so hard to escape. I don’t remember much of anything. Damn. Dissociative amnesia isn’t really a normal thing, is it? Again, I want to cry. I hate living.
Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
I’m letting others make decisions for me. I don’t know how I truly feel, but I have ideas, and they’re not the way I’m living. I can’t voice my feelings to my partner because I’m scared. I want to live in Meme’s house with the cats, make it all nice, open the windows and let some light in, plant in the garden, make a really cozy home, and be able to invite people over and share the coziness with them as I spend my days making art and creating. But I can’t tell my partner that because it conflicts with his life plans. He keeps asking me for my input but I can’t. I can’t bring myself to.
Posted 2 years ago